I wish I could teleport
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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