goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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