Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
