New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
