There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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