It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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