Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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