Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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