I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
