Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
