she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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