It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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