opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
