I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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