apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
