Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
