I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
