my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
