my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
