I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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