all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
