How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
