nut hugger
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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