i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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