We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
