I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
