Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
