cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
