I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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