cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
