Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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