Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
