I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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