i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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