Your dad touched me again.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
