His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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