Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
