i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
