I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
