We won't sleep together?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
