You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
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Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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