apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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