I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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