I think i peed on brittanys purse
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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