I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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