My hand turned me down
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
