i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i out mim tonsoeep
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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