Even the bartender felt bad for me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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