You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
