Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
