i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone shit on the floor
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
