and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
