Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize