How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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