Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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