i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
