My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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