wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
