My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
