TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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