Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
